The Eighth and Final Square

Series of Unfortunate Events

Since the last post, a bunch of really crazy things have happened. Hopefully I can remember them all! I also have some photo challenge pics still, but the internet at the apartment clubhouse doesn’t let me get to Flickr.

Basically, my life for the last few days has been one big series of unfortunate events.

First off, the people we were living with had no compunction against coming into the apartment we were living in. Even though it was separate from the rest of the house (as in, there wasn’t any need to go thru our part to get to anywhere else. There was a door to the rest of the house though.). Now me, I wasn’t allowed much privacy at my parents’, so my privacy is VERY important to me. Besides that, I considered (and rightly so I think) the area we were living in to be OURS…yeah, it was still their house, but we were living there. And I don’t know what the legality of everything is, especially for an “oral contract”, so to speak. But still, it’s just plain disrespectful to you as a person when someone violates your boundaries and privacy like that.

April first, Scottie was working the morning. Just before he got home, the woman of the house (WOTH) knocked and told me somebody was going to come over and wanted to take a look at the apartment where we were. In six minutes. I was like “….” and I didn’t know what to say. Could she do that? I didn’t know. I didn’t say “OK” because that would mean I was agreeing and ok with it, so I didn’t say anything, I closed the door gently, and just then Scottie came in. I told him, and when the guy came in, I just went outside. So it was just a few minutes, then they left. A little after that, Scottie left to get his folks’ pickup so we could move some of the stuff to the unit.

Not long after he left, the WOTH opened the bedroom door and yelled “Knock knock”. I went over there, and she proceeded to completely chew me out…ME, not the unit of Scottie and I (“you guys”), just YOU. I had supposedly brought a stinky cat that they could smell into the kitchen (lie; she’s not stinky), *I* had made the house into a pig sty (whose house is clean when they are moving?!?), *I* was the most lazy, selfish, entitled, ungrateful person she had EVER met (wtf?), that I had slammed the door on her earlier because I was “annoyed” (neither were true) etc. I forget all of it (probably just as well). I didn’t know how to respond, or what to respond. She said we had to be out NOW, as in, she wanted me to start packing and picking stuff up while she was watching. I told her Yeah, it was all going to be done, we were going to be out tonight. She said “No, you have to be out NOW. If you won’t start packing, I will.” So I went to the bedroom and got my phone to call Scottie, and when I did that she left.

I was completely freaking out. I called Scottie but he didn’t answer; I was absolutely terrified she would come back and do who knows what. I called another lady from my inlaws’ church, and she ended up coming over with her four kids and helping me pack and calm down and stuff.

But wait for it…it was Friday, so the apartment place closed an hour earlier than we figured on, and Scottie wasn’t able to get the apartment key.

Finally we got all the stuff packed, and the pickup loaded. By then it was night, and guess what? The U-Haul place was closed too. We took the stuff down to Scottie’s folks’ though, and unloaded it into the garage, and headed back. By now it was like, midnight.

The rest of the stuff got stuffed into the back of the pickup (literally stuffed), but finally all our stuff was out of there. While Scottie and one of his brothers did that, I did the finishing cleaning like sweeping the floor and stuff.

I suppose I should say about the pickup; it had some brake problems, where if the parking brake was on, one of the back tires locked up and wouldn’t turn, even when the brake was off. (Love those old, breaking-down pickups.) So instead of a parking break, there was a piece of firewood used as a chock. Me riding shotgun back to my inlaws’, it was my job to do the chock. So I moved it away (there was no room in the pickup even for the chock), crammed in, and we were off.

Not.

Even without putting the parking brake on, the back wheel locked up.

I went and chocked the pickup again so Scottie could get out, and they took the wheel off and banged on something inside to get the brake loose. By now it was three AM. The WOTH also came out and said we had some of their bowls, and we had to look thru our stuff for it. They were in the dishwasher. Still, it was pretty stupid and completely inconsiderate to expect us to unpack the whole back of the pickup that it had taken two or three hours to fill, to find some bowls. I mean for God’s sake, we know where they live!!!

So yeah, they banged on the brake thingy for like three hours. It was cold. Then my father in law drove over and banged on the brake thingy too, while I warmed up in his SUV.

Finally, after another hour or so, the brake thing came loose and the pickup was driveable. So we went back to my inlaws’, and slept on the floor/futon in the office. (Scottie was on the futon, I was on the floor.) We got to bed at 7 am, and poor Scottie had been up since six or so the day before, and been working the whole time on one thing or another. Oh and he was supposed to work Saturday, too. Well, Saturday morning he woke up at 9 am, with chills and a fever, so he called in and didn’t go to work.

Saturday night was spent on the floor in our apartment (!!!) but unfortunately we had forgotten to bring Scottie’s sleeping bag, so we had one blanket between us, one of those cuddle-on-the-couch blankets that is made for one person. And I was really hungry. (I had barely eaten either day.) So Scottie laid down to go to sleep, and I stayed up making pizza to eat. (Scottie had brought home pizza crust and toppings from work, so I topped it and baked it.) It was 2:30 before I finally got to bed. Scottie was out like a light…I felt his arm and he was cold and goosebumpy so I asked if he was cold, he said “yeah” so I put the blanket on him and got my very fuzzy bathrobe to use for my blanket. He must have said “yeah” in his sleep though, because he didn’t even remember that the next day!

Sunday we slept in, then went to get a load of furniture from our unit to bring it back to our apartment. We had about five hours, because BD’s (Scottie’s next brother’s) birthday party was at five. Well, it got loaded up fine, and we were going along…then the pickup was acting weird, and quit when we were going up a hill. We pulled off a little, and were stuck. Scottie tried to push it, but it was still on an incline.

So we sat there for a while, trying to figure out what to do. It wasn’t the wheel that time. We didn’t know if it was out of gas (but it shouldn’t have been, because it had just been filled the day before) or what. Well, someone came along finally and helped us get it over the incline to the downward slope, and we just parked it out of the way. Then tried to find someone with jumper cables (the guy who stopped didn’t have any). Door to door, yeah. In the HEAT. I had 3/4 sleeves and jeggins which are NOT a good idea to wear in the heat, they are like all synthetic and super hot.

Well, we did find a guy who had cables, but as soon as the pickup started, it died. So it was probably out of gas, right? Well, the guy went and got some gas for us, but evidently the nozzle on his container didn’t work or something so we couldn’t even get it in the pickup!

Tim and TJ (Scottie’s third and fourth sibs…TJ is a girl, first and middle name initials) were nearby and picked us up and took us down to my inlaws’. I kind of had heat exhaustion or something like that (after almost freezing to death the night before lol), it wasn’t fun.

We stayed there for the party and everything, then drove back to our apartment in our car.

So far things haven’t gone extremely wrong since then…even though the internet has Flickr blocked so I can’t upload my pics (not that I have them with me on Scottie’s computer; I forgot to move them on to a flash drive). And one of my favorite forums is blocked, and my favorite game site. So that sucks, but at least I can get online. The clubhouse is really really nice…has an extremely comfy couch!

We’re hoping to get the pickup tonight (somebody my father in law knows towed it and fixed it) so we can move our furniture.

I think I have to say April 1 was one of the worst days of my life. I’ve had a lot of bad days…but seriously, EVERYTHING went wrong that day!

So here’s to the future…in our own apartment…and hoping that really bad day was just a fluke! *raises glass*

Thoughts about the Bible

For a while, just to keep my sanity, I’ve kind of held the opinion that the Old Testament is not a bunch of stuff we are supposed to do, but that it’s history, poetry, and a record of the Israelites. Kind of like, Proverbs is not a book to live by, it’s a book full of wise sayings and teachings ( some of which to a specific person, mind you), not stuff you’re SUPPOSED to do. (Have I mentioned I hate lists of rules and supposed-to’s?)

But it kind of occurred to me last night…and I know I’ve been told this as well, but really, most of the books of the new testament are letters to specific churches who had specific problems. In Corinth, there was a lot of sexual immorality, so they were written a letter talking about that. Not saying that these aren’t good things even if they weren’t written to us, or to me personally. But really, isn’t everything supposed to be in context?? Isn’t taking what Paul says to the Corinthians, for example, and applying it to my life, saying “I HAVE to do this because the Bible says”, taking it out of context?

Basically what I’m trying to say is, the letters written to the churches are guidelines not rules. Like Proverbs. Well, not even “guidelines”…more like “apply these if need be, or if you want, but don’t say this is The Way”. I mean, isn’t it kind of legalistic, as well, to take everything ever written to the churches and say We Have To Do This?

Also in thinking about this, and in light of this post [blog shut down...basically the post was that there are different teachers for different needs...some may need Rob Bell, some may need John Piper], I kind of wonder if the debate between predestination and free will couldn’t be cleared up right here. Such and such church needed to hear about predestination; these other people over here needed to hear about free will. Does that make sense?

So people would say “but the Bible says it’s God-breathed and profitable for correction, reproof, etc, blah blah blah”…but if you think about it…what that writer was talking about was what we call the Old Testament. And he didn’t mean they were supposed to keep following the Law either! (And after all, it WAS men that decided what would be included in the canon. The “New Testament” wasn’t around when he said that…it was still being written!)

Pretty much what you’re left with is the Gospels, namely, what Jesus said. If you ask me, following what Jesus said is a hell of a lot easier, less legalistic, and more childlike (didn’t he say “come to me like a child”?). And basically what Jesus said was “love God, love your neighbor”.

That, I can handle.

(And no, I’m not trying to “pick and choose” and find a “palatable” gospel. I’m trying to get back to the basics of what is actually necessary, and throw off what’s not.)

Something else I’ve always wondered is…isn’t it in a parable Jesus says “well done, good and faithful servant, enter into the joy of your lord”? Why does everyone take that to mean that’s what Jesus says when people get to heaven? Not saying he doesn’t; I have no clue. But still, that was a parable, not a definitive truth of God. Parable = allegorical story, example, analogy…not gosh-darn truth.

So yeah, kinda my rambly thoughts for now.

Questions about Hell, God, Prayer, and Life

So there’s some huge debate thing going on with two sides. I don’t really know much about it, except it seems one side is pro-love and the other side is anti-pro-love-side.

I also gather that one side staunchly believes in the existence of hell (as in agony and flames for eternity), and the other side is questioning that. (If that’s not exactly right, don’t bother to correct me because these are my thoughts and I don’t really care who is saying what…it’s just that all this has made ME think.) Which really, I don’t think it’s a bad thing to question. Hell, I think even God should be questioned, because if he’s really God, he’ll hold up under it.

So then there’s other people, that say “if hell didn’t exist, would you still believe in God?” I guess that’s kind of nice to say, but is it really practical?

I admire the “pro-love” side because of…well, the love. It’s nice to be accepted and loved.

On the other hand, I’m seriously thinking…and honestly, at this specific point in my life, I can’t say I would want to love/obey/follow God if there was no hell. Why? Well, being raised in an extreme fear-based home, hell is why you need Jesus, because he saves you from it. You know, eternal life vs. death (whatever that means).

OK, let’s say there was no hell, no real consequence for bad actions. If there aren’t any eternal consequences, why bother trying to be “good”? Why chain yourself in the trappings of morality if there’s no reason to?

If there was no hell, I wouldn’t be afraid. I wouldn’t have to believe in something to save me from it, either, because whether or not God still existed, who’s to say I’d have to do whatever he wants?

Right now, the whole idea of “christianity” makes me feel stuck. I mean really…if there wasn’t the threat of hell, for me there would be no reason to believe in God. No real reason to try to imitate Jesus, unless it’s because he was a good person who helped people.

Certainly, if you take the examples of some so-called christian people as what the “new man” is supposed to be in Christ, you’re going to be very put off, as I am. My dad always said he hated christians because they were such hypocrites, and the only reason he decided to be one was because his mom said it was about living like Jesus, not living like the hypocrites.

But why? Why live like Jesus?

I’m getting tired of the circular belief that because the Bible says itself true, that wow, it must be true. In order to make sense, logic must be linear, not circular. Circular proves nothing.

I’ve read “A Case for Christ”. (Admittedly, a while ago, so I don’t remember much of it.) So you can scientifically prove the validity of the Bible? Nice…to what end? So you can believe in a God who damns people for stuff like loving someone of the same sex?

I’ve grown up with the whole Christian thing. I know all the pat answers (that my dad would say aren’t “pat” because he hated pat answers. haha.). But I don’t know what’s true or not. I don’t know what I believe, because I believe it, not because someone else told me.

I don’t like going to church because I feel like a fake. I don’t like listening to the pastor, because a lot of times it’s triggering, and even when it’s not, I feel like I’ve had enough preaching for one lifetime. I don’t like singing songs because I’m not sure if I really mean them.

I want to get away from it all, I want to not have to believe in all that. But it’s the fear of hell that brings me back in.

Fear of hell is the reason when I was six or seven, I thought I had to “confess” all the “sins” I could remember committing to God, so I could be “saved”.

Fear of hell is the reason I didn’t leave my parents’ house sooner.

Fear of hell is partly the reason I never killed myself. (Self-murder, you know.)

Fear of hell is the reason I didn’t leave when first presented the chance in May.

Fear of hell is the reason I’ve believed in God for 20+ years.

It’s like saying…ok, if there’s no such thing as gaining weight or getting sick…why SHOULDN’T I eat a whole carton of ice cream a day? You see?

So someone might say…”But you’ve said you’ve seen God work in your life!” How do I know it’s God? Someone else might say it’s a coincidence, Karma, luck, or something else. Or do they mean nothing good ever happens to anybody who doesn’t believe in God? (which is stupid.) Could it be Christians attribute stuff happening like that to God because they’re looking for stuff like that? Like, was it going to happen anyway…but since it happened to a Christian it was God; and if it had happened to a non-Christian it would have been something else?

That makes me think of something else; why pray? Sure, I know it’s supposed to be talking to God, blah blah, he’s your friend, blah blah, you talk to your friends, blah blah blah. But seriously, why? I mean, if he’s your friend and all…why doesn’t he answer? I thought that’s something that makes a good friendship, two-way communication? (Oh yeah there’s the bible…riiiight…unlike some people would have you believe, the bible does NOT have ALL the answers to life.)

A starving Christian prays for food. Maybe he’ll get it, maybe not. If he does, WOW, it’s God!

A starving atheist doesn’t pray for food. (OK maybe he does, haha, idk.) Maybe he gets food, maybe not. (Though in my cynicism, I’d say the atheist is more likely to get the food than the praying Christian…just how things seem to work.) If he does, YAY, he has food.

What’s the use of praying for something for five years, and getting it in the sixth? Maybe it wasn’t supposed to come for six years anyway, and you could have spent your praying time doing something else useful. But no, it’s an “answer to prayer”. So if a non-Christian got whatever they wanted after six years…is it still an answer to prayer, or is it just what was going to happen anyway??

Sigh. Tomorrow I’ll probably think “Oh I was being silly yesterday”, but even if I think that, it’s not true; some of this stuff I’ve been wondering for a while. I just haven’t had a place or the guts to say it. I think it would be ironic if after everything my parents did, that ultimately is what makes me turn from God…because seriously, that has a huge hand in why I’m thinking all this. (I never blame the women who DO turn from God because of growing up like me, too. Sometimes I almost envy them…because I’m still afraid.)

Then again, if none of the bad stuff happened, maybe I wouldn’t question why I believe or disbelieve all this stuff and go on through life not knowing.

(Hopefully this post wasn’t TOO disjointed.)

Randomness

So lately I’ve been getting kind of into the mindset that everything I post on here has to be PERFECT…all professional, formatted nicely, etc. Lol That’s kind of not the point of this blog! So maybe a random post will help me.

---

Things have been up and down. I was superly happy a week or so ago, then I’ve kind of been depressed-ish in the last week. And I’ve been going back and forth from wanting to be completely anonymous on here (for like, visitors that come in from other sources…not visitors from facebook of course) to not. Anybody who knows me or my family knows who I am of course, but yeah. (more…)

28 More Sleeps 'Til Christmas!

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday…even when I thought I had to say Easter (excuse me, Resurrection Sunday) was in order to sound “holy” or whatever. Christmas makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and brings up happy memories that right now are painful because it hurts to remember even the fun things with my siblings, when I miss them so much. And especially at this time of year. (more…)