The Eighth and Final Square

with courage face the thing you fear so the pawn becomes the queen

I sit with my back against the wall in his tiny office, my arms wrapped around my knees. Maybe if I curl up small enough, he’ll forget about me. Maybe he’ll stop drilling me with his eyes. But he doesn’t; he loves the sound of his own voice, as he talks on and on about my duty and responsibility to stay with them forever until he finds a suitable mate; about his own authority over me; about all the bad […]

Posted by Phoenix On Mar - 8 - 2016 Add Comments READ FULL POST

When I was a kid, we had to “respect our elders” because they were so much older and had so much more wisdom than us. We were supposed to call everyone who was married, Mr and Mrs, even if they were only a couple years older than us. All relatives, no matter how distant and regardless of actual relation, were Aunt and Uncle if they were only a couple years older than us. I tried to point out to my […]

Posted by Phoenix On Jun - 5 - 2015 Add Comments READ FULL POST

No child chooses to be born. Why then do so many fundamentalist (emphasis on mental!) parents think their kids owe them? We were constantly reminded of how much we owed our parents. We owed them because they “put up” with us when we were young. We owed them because there were so many of us. We owed them because they fed and clothed us. We owed them because they paid for our music lessons. We owed them because we were […]

Posted by Phoenix On Nov - 20 - 2014 Add Comments READ FULL POST

Ever since I can remember, my parents gave me labels. “Bossy”, “independent”, “rebellious”, “stubborn”, “strong-willed”, etc. I was bossy for a while; probably because I was jealous that my parents treated Ben better than me. He seemed to be the favorite, and I wasn’t the only one who thought so, and even though I was older he got preferential treatment. Probably because he was the firstborn boy, too, and in Dennis’ intensely patriarchal view of everything, that counted for more. […]

Posted by Phoenix On Jul - 7 - 2014 2 Comments READ FULL POST

There are tons of ways to fuck up your kid, but probably the fastest way is to cut them off completely from you and pretty much pretend they don’t exist. Sometimes it’s actually beneficial in some ways, like that kid won’t have to deal with further shit while still healing from the shit they’ve already been through, but it’ll still fuck them up. How can it not fuck someone up when the people who gave life to you disown you? […]

Posted by Phoenix On Jan - 4 - 2014 Add Comments READ FULL POST

Guilt was a huge part of my life, growing up. Besides fear, guilt was probably the most effective way of controlling us. I stopped playing April Fool’s pranks because my mom made me feel guilty (intentionally or unintentionally, I’m not sure) over a really good prank. I felt guilty every time I ate something “bad” for me. But the biggest guilt trip of all was one of the biggest reasons I didn’t leave. Not because I knew I would get […]

Posted by Phoenix On Dec - 8 - 2013 4 Comments READ FULL POST

So in an odd turn of events, my mom has unblocked me on Facebook, allowed me to follow her (she knows I do), and now she posts some things publicly, presumably for my benefit. (Or I could just be really presumptuous, you know? But I doubt that.) Today, she posted a link to a video called “My Parents Brainwashed Me“. Basically it’s a teen’s free-verse poem about people telling him he is a Jew because his parents brainwashed him, not […]

Posted by Phoenix On Dec - 1 - 2013 2 Comments READ FULL POST

There are so many things I know now that I wish I knew when I was younger. A group I’m in wanted us to answer the question “What do you wish your 16-year-old self knew?”, and I’ve been thinking about writing a post along those lines anyway, so I just decided to do it now. What I Wish My Younger Self Knew I wish she knew everything wasn’t her fault. I wish she knew she didn’t have to be stuck […]

Posted by Phoenix On Oct - 15 - 2013 Add Comments READ FULL POST
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Welcome! This is my space on the internet to explore myself and my life and find my courage to turn into a queen. My Quilt No content on this blog may be used or reproduced elsewhere without a link back.

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