The Eighth and Final Square

The Bible on Homosexuality…And Other Things

This was evidently one of those forward emails in the early 2000′s that I unfortunately didn’t have the pleasure of receiving in my inbox. (I was getting guilt-trip “if you love Jesus you’ll send these on!” emails. Hate those.)

Nobody knows who really wrote this, and it’s supposedly to Dr. Laura Schlesinger (after she allegedly said that homosexuality is an abomination according to the Bible Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance). In any case, it’s hilarious.
_______________________

Dear (name):

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination…end of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual unseemliness – Lev. 15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev. 1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev. 24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

(name)

P.S. It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian!

Courtship isn’t the only way!

A tongue-in-cheek poke at the courtship/betrothal people…and also the people who confuse history with commandments. I didn’t write it but it is hilarious so I just had to repost it!

How to Find A Wife…Biblically!

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. –Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. –Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. –Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. –Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. –Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

Cut 200 foreskins off your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife. –David (I Samuel 18:27)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative of course.) –Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. –Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a … woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” –Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

Kill any husband and take his wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). –David (2 Samuel 11)

Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. –Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

A wife? Not!!! –Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

How To Find a Husband…Biblically!

1. Take a bath naked on a rooftop in public. – Bathsheba (2 Samuel 11:1-5)

2. Find a woman who can’t have a baby. Hang around her and hope that she gives you to her husband. – Hagar (Genesis 16:1-2)

3. Be ugly; have a good looking sister, have her get married; substitute yourself in her place. – Leah (Genesis 29:15-30)

4. Find someone who God told “Marry a prostitute,” and become one. – Gomer (Hosea 1:2-3)

5. Go to the threshing floor; find a man asleep; lie at his feet and wait for him to wake up. -Ruth (Ruth 3:1-7)

6. Go to a water hole; find a guy with a lot of camels; give him water and water the camels. – Rebekah (Genesis 24:11-14)

7. Have a husband who is a jerk. Be nice to his enemy, who is a nice guy. Tell your husband. When he has a stroke and dies, marry the nice guy. – Abigail (1 Samuel 25:2-34)