The Eighth and Final Square

with courage face the thing you fear so the pawn becomes the queen

I’m not an open person. I’m a total INTJ: introverted and closed. A few years ag0 (read: when I was at my parents’), I never would have posted my true thoughts and feelings on an open blog like this. The reason is simple: I felt my parents would see it, and most likely criticize it. Whether or not they would have (mom did criticize some of my stuff, like my facebook updates and stuff), I believed they would, and kept my thoughts and feelings to myself.

Sometime late November 2011, I realized I had some misconceived ideas about a friend, mainly because (s)he always seemed to have happy, upbeat  facebook updates. In some ways, I resented him/her, because (s)he seemed to have everything together, and I didn’t. Then I thought about how I portray myself on facebook: when I’m depressed/upset/frustrated/angry/hurt, but especially when I’m depressed, I’m much less likely to post an update about it, than I am when things are going well and I’m happy. I realized I probably projected a happy person who had everything together as well, and that could also be misinterpreted as my being a callous person.

That’s why I made this blog. I don’t want to be wrapped up in my shell (not a selfish shell, just a protective one), or too  afraid to ask for help. Sometimes I still am. But my goal is to be open, honest, and transparent about myself and my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. Unafraid of unnecessary disapproval, even while I try to objectively think over things people accuse me of to see if they carry any weight. Without the shackles of perfection.

This is where pretty much I’m kind of journaling my growth. It’s always helped me develop my thoughts when I could write about them.

I’ve called it “The Eighth and Final Square” because of the Cruxshadows song “Eighth and Final Square”:

The trial is set before us
And it’s hard understand
The mechanics of this world we tread
The potential in our hands
Truth is born in uncertain stages
And in turn life will reveal
That though we stand before the crown
The future is concealed

So we must move to face our enemies
And to each of us, his own
Perspectives change across the board
As the last among us knows
And I am proud of what I’ve sacrificed
And I am proud of what I’ve saved
In commitment to a greater good
Strength grows from splintered faith

And if the darkness falls upon me
In the silence of my heart
And if the world turns to abandon
I will not fall apart
For I believe in something deeper
Than the physics that we share
And I will strive with all my power
To reach the 8th and final square

For in every evil and every loss
A finer verity unfolds
You are free to face this trepidation
And with your weakness grow
For the strongest bones are broken
And the soul needs to redeem
With courage face the thing you fear
So the pawn becomes the queen

And if the darkness falls upon me
In the silence of my heart
And if the world turns to abandon
I will not fall apart
For I believe in something deeper
Than the physics that we share
And I will strive with all my power
To reach the 8th and final square

I go inside the darkness
I go within the light
I find the open spaces
My world is black and white

I want to be me without apology.

Why “QuicksilverQueen”?

It comes from another Cruxshadows song “Quicksilver”, and it goes “quicksilver – the future belongs to the brave”…so it’s kind of a mix between the two songs. Plus, it’s alliterated and catchy!

I decided to “reinvent” myself with this username. It makes me feel stronger…that this is a part of my life that I did. Someone didn’t help me, I did it myself. I can do things without my parents hovering over me. It makes me truly feel that I am taking back my life, like this stanza from “Quicksilver”:

I’m taking back my love, taking back my pride
Taking back my dreams and my life
This is the ground I will defend
A rage of angels bears the end

I’m taking back my hope, taking back my goals
Taking back my memories and my soul
This brand is forged to my crusade
Quicksilver, the future belongs to the brave.

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Welcome!

Welcome! This is my space on the internet to explore myself and my life and find my courage to turn into a queen. My Quilt No content on this blog may be used or reproduced elsewhere without a link back.

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