The Eighth and Final Square

with courage face the thing you fear so the pawn becomes the queen

It’ll have been 7 years this July that I moved out of my folks’. Since then we’ve had some good times, we’ve had some bad times, but that’s sort of life anyway.

I’ve seen photos of my younger siblings…all grown up now. I hardly even recognize some of them, they look so different! I have never regretted leaving, but I do miss them, a lot. I’ve showed Ari pictures and we talk about them on a regular basis.

Leaving was not an easy decision. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But it was the right decision for me. I have missed being able to watch my younger brothers and sisters growing up and the different milestones they have passed without me. It was never my choice to cut them off, it was the ultimatum I was given: leave and be cut off, or stay. I chose to leave, because I was not thriving — I was dying. I was horribly depressed and intensely suicidal, and nobody knew because my feelings didn’t matter.

The truth is: my feelings do matter, and I matter, as a person. Each one of my siblings’ feelings matter, and they matter as people — as individuals, as adults, as unique persons. I want so badly to get to know them as they are now. I want them to meet Ari, who already knows about them. I want them to meet Scottie, the man who saved my life (literally).

I want them to know that I love them and I miss them, and that leaving their comfort zone (no matter how scary) is not the end of the world.

There is a bigger world out here to explore.

It’s full of bad things, but it’s also full of good things.

Family is not the end-all. God knows, I was told all the time growing up “Family is everything…when everyone else abandons you, family will be there for you.” I now have an answer to that: “Friends are the family you choose.”

I’m afraid it felt to some of my siblings (or most, or all, I don’t know) that I abandoned them. I haven’t abandoned them…I crossed a bridge that I cannot un-cross, and I am, and always have been, on the other side waiting with open arms.

Phoenix On February - 20 - 2017

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Welcome! This is my space on the internet to explore myself and my life and find my courage to turn into a queen. My Quilt No content on this blog may be used or reproduced elsewhere without a link back.

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