The Eighth and Final Square

with courage face the thing you fear so the pawn becomes the queen

Oh jeez. My dad. Dennis, as I will call him henceforth, because he is not a father figure to me and he was never the father figure that I hoped, wanted, or needed.

Last night I had a crazy dream about him. I dreamt that I was back at their house, and he was violently abusive towards me…hitting me with my tablet (which broke the detachable keyboard), saying horribly mean things, and breaking my laptop. In my dream, I had no idea why he was upset, and he wouldn’t tell me…he would just get more angry that I was clueless. Once I tried escaping, and I sat down to say goodbye to Ari, who was a combination of Ari and my baby sister Elle. Then I remembered that Ari was my own child, so I left. The gas pedal got stuck while I was in reverse, then I realized Dennis was shooting at me. I didn’t want Ari to get hurt, so I turned the pickup off (which made it come to a stop), and got out. I was holding Ari and saying I didn’t take her for a hostage, I took her to keep her safe from him. Then I was back at the house, and he was still behaving violently to me (just to me). My mom (Ruth) was gone, because my gramma (her stepmom) was in a coma. Dennis kept trying to call her, but she wouldn’t answer. Finally I decided I was going to leave, and for some reason, Joe and Eric were coming with me as well. We secretly loaded up Joe’s pickup with our stuff and Ari’s carseat. I snuck Ari out and we started driving away. By this time Ruth was back, and as we were driving away, they all came out of the house. Ruth wanted to say goodbye to us, but I was just trying to escape and didn’t want to stop, so I was yelling out the window “I love you! I love you!” I waved, and I heard my dad say “Look at that! She doesn’t even care enough to say goodbye, she’s just gesturing out the window.” Again, the gas pedal was stuck, and I yelled “I can’t stop!” Then I woke up.

So yeah, that was my very disturbing dream last night. When I woke up I went and snuggled with Ari and Scottie. “Boff nuggo togeyo,” as Ari would say (both snuggle together).

A little bit ago, I, for I have no idea why, went and looked at my dad’s profile. I saw some of what he had posted recently, and just had to laugh.

He said What?!


So…if you are going to sin…may as well go commit mass murder. Whaaaaaaaa???

Apparently, lately he’s been on this “sin will take you farther than you want to go” kick, because most of his recent posts are about that. There’s another status he wrote…it’s really long so I won’t post all of it, but it is so…him. I would say “full of lies” and “he wouldn’t acknowledge the truth if it hit him in the head” but “him” covers it the same. Here are some excerpts (go here to read the full thing and all the “poor you!!” comments):

My daughter Anne and I had several conversations on the following subject a long time ago. At various different times the children were all around because it was a point I wanted to be very understood by everyone. The talk has been repeated to my family many times in the last 3 1/2 years because we now have poster children that prove my point that our 10 remaining children have been able to observe the truth of the talk.

Poster children?? He doesn’t even mention Joe’s supposed sins once. Just mine. Haha

The talk went something like this:

…..Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and will cost you more than you want to pay… and I’ve recently added; and it gets all over everyone like a kid jumping in a mud puddle while his friends stand all around with their good clothes on.

This is why he had to cut me off. So that my “mud” wouldn’t get all over all the “good” people. Lol

Just to clarify, homosexuality is not my pet issue. Sin IS my pet issue. Holiness IS my pet issue. Restoration with God because our sin has separated us from God IS my pet issue. Homosexuality is just one of the sins that my children have thought they would never do so it’s used as an example.

Huh? Where’s he getting his info…neither Joe nor I are homosexuals.

No one starts smoking their first cigarette saying I hope I get lung cancer. No one takes their first drink of liquor saying I want to be an alcoholic. No one does their first hit of crank hoping to be a meth addict that will sell their soul and their mothers for another hit. No one looks at their first piece of pornography thinking they will end up a serial killer (Ted Bundy).

Because all people who smoke get lung cancer. All people who drink become alcoholics. All people who take one hit of crank become addicts. All people who watch pornography are serial killers. Wtf?! I know *cough*morethanone*cough* person in that household who has seen porn…and none of them are serial killers. Sorry to break it to you, Dennis, but everything is not black and white, no matter how much you wish it was.

What keeps us from initially crossing a line to begin with is fear. Fear of consequences, fear of the unknown.

So…you’re admitting your religion isn’t based on love for God, it’s based on fear.

Once having crossed a line, there is no unknown and the consequences aren’t that bad considering the benefits. Even if morally our conscience bothers us we can justify the small line crossing or even avoid it again for a while because we know it was wrong. Then the temptation arises again and the line crossing is easier than it was the first time. That is also why pot is considered a gateway drug. A line was crossed. It makes the next line easier to cross.

“Pot is a gateway drug, blah blah blah”. I’m sure he’d be surprised to know that everyone who has taken pot for medicinal purposes also aren’t addicted to all the other drugs. Or that anyone who has tried pot is addicted to any other substance. For that matter…POT ISN’T ADDICTIVE.

I can remember telling Anne, Ben, Joe and Eric that they had the capability to even become homosexuals. I can remember Anne looking at me with her “I don’t believe you” look when I said that and then I reiterated that indeed she and they were capable of gross sin far away from God.

Yeah, at the time I didn’t even know what homosexuality really was, nor that it’s not a choice. But, you know, FACTS. Oh, and speaking of facts…the fact that I was brainwashed.

This has been a contemporary topic in our household as well as an object lesson to the truth of this teaching. To date my daughter Anne has identified herself in some of her profiles as: Wicca admiring, Pagan, Agnostic, Atheist, Feminist and bisexual

This made me laugh so hard. First of all, what are these “profiles” he’s talking about? I have him blocked on my profile. I’ve never identified as Wicca admiring or pagan either. The other ones are true though. Surprisingly, he got something right. LOL

Knowing the genes I gave her and her headlong rush to destruction, it won’t be long before you can add addict to some or several substances to her identity on her profiles.

More LOLZ. Especially since I have absolutely no interest in using any drugs besides pot. Oh wait, that’s a gateway drug. Also…sorry, Dennis, I have way more self-control and common sense than you do. And no, that was not taught to me by you. Be jealous!!

She is not that far from booting out her husband and becoming just a lesbian. She has taken many small steps to where she is at… it’s not that many steps to the next sinful thing. She has become the very thing she never believed she could become.

ALL THE LOLZ!! This poor guy is still under the delusion that homosexuality is a choice. Plus, he assumes me identifying as bisexual means I’ve obviously had sex with a girl, right? (TMI spoiler: I haven’t. But don’t tell him that, it would blow his mind.) He’s also under the delusion that because I’m attracted to men and women that I’m going to kick my husband (whom I adore) out so I can go be a lesbian. Because in his world, anybody who is not a Christian can’t and won’t know Real Love.

I’ve seen this very progression in the life of my cousin who having started as a christian and a pastors daughter, married to a man and then a lesbian in the homosexual community.

All-knowing dad has seen one “progression” and knows it ALL. I know exactly who he’s talking about. I think I’m going to look her up and friend her. She’s probably had a lot of the same family troubles I have…merely because she has discovered who she was, not who she was told she had to be.

Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and will cost you more than you want to pay… and it gets all over everyone.

*cue “oh, poor you!” comments*

Ooooh, powerful punchline, I’m so convicted. I think I’ll just murder Scottie, abandon Ari, be sorry I moved out of your house, and move back in with you. It’s OK, though, God will forgive me!! And hey, I may as well go on a killing spree and murder tons more people, because if I’m gonna sin at all, it better be big!

I’m so glad I left.


Phoenix On February - 10 - 2014

2 Responses so far.

  1. shadowspring says:

    So sorry your Dad is so crazy, Anne. I’m full of remorse (not shame, as I don’t need any of that !) that I once could have given a similar rant to your dad’s in a youth group sermonette kind of thing.

    It’s insane, yes. But without this kind of fear-mongering the cult will die out, and those who have given their life to the cult see protecting the cult as the highest good.

    Your dad fully bought into the cult lie that he could achieve eternal glory by raising a large group of cult members (children) who would live solely to promote the cult and grow the cult- by bearing children and proselytizing. This was his goal, and dangnabbit, you are blocking his goals!

    Good for you! Live your life with an open mind and a heart full of love. You deserve the joy and wonder of being fully alive.

    So scary to know that could’ve been me, if I had been a man. As a highly intelligent female, even my commitment to the cult was not enough to get me the strokes that would’ve kept me in the cult forever. I am so grateful for that now, though it was a continual source of frustration to me for many years.

    Peace to you and yours,

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Welcome! This is my space on the internet to explore myself and my life and find my courage to turn into a queen. My Quilt No content on this blog may be used or reproduced elsewhere without a link back.

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