The Eighth and Final Square

with courage face the thing you fear so the pawn becomes the queen

Two year old me with Dennis, Ruth, and Ben

Two year old me with Dennis, Ruth, and Ben, before they got into religion

Ever since I can remember, my parents gave me labels. “Bossy”, “independent”, “rebellious”, “stubborn”, “strong-willed”, etc. I was bossy for a while; probably because I was jealous that my parents treated Ben better than me. He seemed to be the favorite, and I wasn’t the only one who thought so, and even though I was older he got preferential treatment. Probably because he was the firstborn boy, too, and in Dennis’ intensely patriarchal view of everything, that counted for more.

What I wonder, though, and probably will wonder until the end of time, is who was I, really, and who would I have been? Who would I have been without my parents’ constant criticism and trying to beat my spirit out of me? How much of my personality today was born into me, and how much was shaped by my parents? It’s kind of a scary thought, that your parents can shape your personality. It’s definitely what they wanted to do; remove anything they thought a woman shouldn’t be from my personality, and add everything they thought I should be: quiet, obedient, content with popping out as many kids as my vagina could handle.

Because of the way they viewed my personality, they made no bones about the fact that they wanted me to marry a “strong man” who was basically in the image of my father: hairy caveman, unafraid of being a bully and using physical force to “tame” me (much like The Taming of the Shrew, which Dennis liked to compare me to, how the guy turned the woman over his knee and gave her a spanking while guffawing. I have no idea if that’s how it really went, but that’s how Dennis said it did). No wonder he couldn’t find anyone that suited him; most people would call that spousal abuse!

Instead, I married someone who treats me as an equal, respects me as a human being, and loves me for who I am…not who he thinks I should be.

Dennis said if I ever married someone who was unlike who he thought I should marry, I wouldn’t respect him and I would boss him around and that would ultimately make me unhappy. The funny thing is, I respect Scottie because he treats me right. I’m still waiting to be unhappy with him, but it’ll be four years we’ve been married at the end of August and no unhappiness in sight!

If I had grown up in a normal household, without the religious brainwashing, who would I have been today?

Phoenix On July - 7 - 2014

2 Responses so far.

  1. shadowspring says:

    Yes, the Taming of the Shrew was Shakespeare’s 17th century Ode to the Patriarchy. It does end that way, and in this patriarchal fantasy, Kate is not just independent, but demanding and rude. Her suitor just happens to be more demanding and rude, and since all women secretly want to be dominated by men, of course Kate loves it. A better version, if you’re interested, is “Ten Things I Hate About You” with Heath Ledger and Catherine Heigl. I *love* it. In this version, Kate’s dad is an abortion provider. Take that, patriarchy!

    As for your personality, you will continue to grow into your authentic self. Some of what you learned as a child is true, such as choose wisely what you watch, hear, and ponder. You ARE doing that! Keep it up. Future you is depending on it. <3

    • QuicksilverQueen says:

      Yeah, I was most definitely NOT demanding and rude! I have huge issues with confrontation, and now, years after leaving, I’m realizing that I’m actually a really nice, really good person.

      I’ll watch anything with Heath Ledger in it! LOL

      Thank you <3

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Welcome! This is my space on the internet to explore myself and my life and find my courage to turn into a queen. My Quilt No content on this blog may be used or reproduced elsewhere without a link back.

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