The Eighth and Final Square

with courage face the thing you fear so the pawn becomes the queen

July 4th is kind of a mixed-emotion day for me. My parents aren’t really into the “freedom” and “independence” thing, since they say this country was founded on rebellion (while enjoying the freedoms!). July 4th took on a new meaning for me however when after a two-hour (or longer!) lecture on why I shouldn’t leave, I finally said I was going to move out. Hardest thing I’ve ever done, bar none. By then it was 10 pm, so the kids were all hustled off to bed so I wouldn’t be able to talk to them and I was “guarded” by Ben and Eric, probably to make sure I didn’t try to talk to them.

Since I’m a nice person (unlike what my dad thinks), even though I finished packing at 3 am, I was up until 6 copying photos over so they could keep them (since I had a camera, the photos were all on my computer). Then at about 10 am (on the 5th), Ben took me to town. We stopped to drop my cat off at the vet where she boarded, then we went to a storage place to drop off all my stuff (fortunately I was able to bring all my stuff with me, except the stuff I forgot, like most of my jewelry, my coffee mugs, and my Christmas stuff), then to a motel. On the way there, he asked me “So what made you decide you’d rather go to hell than live with your family?”

I felt really weird, being all by myself in a motel. It was the first time I had ever been truly alone. And I loved it. I didn’t have to report to anyone or ask anyone’s permission for anything. But at the same time, I was terrified. The world seemed so big suddenly, and I felt so alone. I didn’t know who I could trust. I walked down to Walmart and bought a couple hash browns at McDonald’s (which I don’t remember if I actually ended up eating besides the first bite!), a phone (which I still have, I need a new one!!), and a couple toiletries…q-tips, toothbrush, toothpaste…and black nail polish. I was terrified that at any moment, some dude would grab me because I was alone.

I activated the phone and called Scottie to tell him I’d left finally. He hadn’t heard from me since the 3rd, so he figured something was up. I sat in Walmart talking to him on the phone and trying not to hyperventilate. I was simultaneously terrified and elated. When I went back to the motel I painted my nails black.

Our first photo together!!

Our first photo together!!

I went out with friends for the first time. I drank alcohol for the first time. I got my first roommate. I biked or walked a mile to the store, alone. I went to the library by myself and went upstairs. (We weren’t allowed upstairs unless the whole family came.) I went and visited relatives (by airplane!), alone. Then Scottie came to visit, and I met him in the airport. I had my first kiss. I got married to the love of my life, the man who had kept me from ending it all months earlier. I got my first above-the-shoulders haircut.

That was all three years ago. Life has not been as I expected; I thought everything would be rainbows and unicorns once I left my parents’ (thanks for the life preparation…NOT!). I’ve struggled with depression, raising a child, and of course, finances aren’t the greatest. But I have never regretted my decision to leave, and I’m never going back. I’m graduating from my classes in a few weeks and I’ll get my certification to be a Medical Administrative Assistant and I’m going to get a job.

July 4th is the day I lost my siblings — I didn’t even get to say goodbye — but it’s also the day I found my freedom. Happy Escapeaversary to me!!

Phoenix On July - 4 - 2013

10 Responses so far.

  1. Sean-Allen says:

    Congratulations! This month is 2 years since my “escape,” when I was kicked out. I am so grateful for that, though I also lost my siblings. I can relate to a lot of things in this post. I went places and did things that I would never have been allowed to before, and though it was a little scary, it was WONDERFUL!

    So happy for you and Scottie.

    • QuicksilverQueen says:

      Being kicked out must have been hard!! I was fortunate enough to have prepared for leaving, mentally, and I had made lists of stuff to take so hopefully I wouldn’t forget anything (even though I ended up forgetting some stuff 🙁 ). And yes, it is wonderful!! I felt so FREE.

  2. Susan M says:

    Hang in there … life is hard, and you must miss your siblings horribly at times like this. Perhaps they too one day will learn the truth too – and leave home. Maybe they will be able to find you too … Is there some sort of network perhaps where men and women like yourself can put their names up and siblings/friends etc might be able to find you – safely ie with a special way to contact them so you don’t feel that your parents etc might ‘come find you and drag you away’ ? Not sure how that would work but there may be something out there if you feel the need sometime.

    For now ..Happy 4th of July – Happy Escapaversary! Today is my friend’s daughter’s 30th Birthday … and the same day I found out that I was pregnant with my son who will be 30 next February. HE .. and his partner are expecting their first – TWINS !

    • QuicksilverQueen says:

      I sure hope they leave!! I’m pretty sure none of them will…but I can hope. Maybe the younger ones. The girls are kept at home and not really allowed to make money, so they wouldn’t have the same advantage I did (I did website work for a year before, so I had $900 saved up).

      That’s a neat idea about the network…there’s another group that’s helping people escape, I’ll bring it up in the group.

      Congrats on your new grandchildren!!!

  3. Chickie says:

    Congratulations and hugs. 🙂 This may sound cheesy, but I wish you and Scottie and Ari so much joy!!

  4. Lana says:

    None of your siblings will come around you? You must miss them.

    • QuicksilverQueen says:

      The one married brother, Joe, still has contact with me. He incurred the wrath of my dad before his wedding, and was kicked out. After the wedding, he was unofficially cut off — my parents told him not to talk to the other kids, but it wasn’t “official” like mine was where they sent out a public letter to my friends and family. I do miss my siblings, and even though I think being apart from my parents has been great for a lot of my healing, I think being shunned has also fucked my head up a bit…it’s harder for me to have empathy or sympathy to other people who complain about what their abusive family is saying or doing to them (if they’re out on their own and still have contact with them).

      • Lana says:

        You needed to leave the toxic environment, and you are right, I don’t think we can comprehend what that’s like. The fact that your dad did not send out a letter over your brother almost makes it sound sexist.

        • QuicksilverQueen says:

          Yeah! I’m glad I left. My dad is definitely sexist, whether or not this situation was supposed to be like that. lol

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Welcome! This is my space on the internet to explore myself and my life and find my courage to turn into a queen. My Quilt No content on this blog may be used or reproduced elsewhere without a link back.

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