The Eighth and Final Square

with courage face the thing you fear so the pawn becomes the queen

People have a bad habit of calling men and women in my position (having moved out of their fundie parents’ and started talking about their experiences) “bitter”. Because, you know, talking about your life is NOT what you do in therapy, either, but somehow you’re not bitter there. Whatever.

If you want bitter, I’ll give you bitter. I’m bitter and hurt and upset that the people who were supposed to love me unconditionally, had conditions on their “love”. I’m upset that I can’t see any of my siblings’ birthdays and they are growing up without me. I’m bitter that thanks to my asshole dad, it’s now not a big thing in my family to just cut off parts of the family tree…and that not only did he cut me off, but his brother and family did too (because I was right in leaving my dad’s version of Christianity, but it was bad bad bad if I left THEIR version of Christianity).

I’m bitter, hurt, and upset that my paternal grandparents (who haven’t exactly cut me off but just don’t talk to me or have much to do with me) are moving in with my family, guaranteeing I’ll never see them again. I think cynically about how they just picked the family with the most grandkids (instead of my brother or I, me having one great-grandkid and him having two).

I’m angry that my dad splintered the family because of his goddamn pride and fucked-up beliefs, all the while claiming family is the most important thing.

Who cares if I’m bitter? I think I have the right to be angry. Do I let it rule my life? Of course not, that’s just stupid. But I think I’ve definitely earned the right to be bitter sometimes. Anyone who endured years of abuse, told they were the problem, and then left and is being told they are just “bitter” has definitely earned the right to be bitter sometimes.

QuicksilverQueen On October - 20 - 2013

8 Responses so far.

  1. Sydney says:

    It’s a process…old wounds never die easily, even if you keep moving forward. Sorry about the deal with your grandparents moving in with your family. :/

  2. Caterina says:

    You have the right to be bitter. A lot of people have the right to fuck off if they can’t handle it.

    The stories need to be told. What is more, they need to be heard. I think the second part is the greater challenge when it comes to the people who need to hear it…

  3. Terri Anne says:

    I am sorry that you are going through so much emotional pain. When people accuse you of being bitter, you are essentially being re-victimized.

    I was also dumped by my entire family 30 years ago. Although it still hurts a lot, I have found solace in friends who do not judge me, therapy, my career and interesting hobbies. I have learned that I need to choose my friends carefully. I am still a Christian but have learned that church is not a very safe place for abuse victims. Accusing people of being bitter is a weapon abusive churches employ to keep people in line.

    After what you have been through, you at least deserve the dignity of being allowed to your feelings. Much as it hurts to not have contact with your siblings, they will eventually grow up and perhaps then you can have relationships with them.

    • QuicksilverQueen says:

      Yeah…there are a few words churches/cults/groups use to keep people in line…”bitter”, “rebellious”, etc.

  4. Terri Anne says:

    One more thing I would like to add. In most churches where “family-ness” is next to godliness, the stigma of not having a family hurts just as being alone. For this reason, avoiding church can be helpful to healing.

    • QuicksilverQueen says:

      I haven’t gone to church in nearly two years now. But yeah, I mean the whole time I was a kid my dad would say stuff like “you have to be each other’s best friends because you’re all you’re ever gonna have” (regarding me and my siblings)…everything about how family is SO important. I think that’s why he thinks cutting me off will be effective, because I’ll be “lost” without my family and come crawling back. Well, I’ve made a new family. I just miss the old one too.

  5. KR Wordgazer says:

    Calling you “bitter” is a silencing technique. It means they don’t actually have to listen to you. It’s their loss, really.

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Welcome! This is my space on the internet to explore myself and my life and find my courage to turn into a queen. My Quilt No content on this blog may be used or reproduced elsewhere without a link back.

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