I still remember the sick-to-my-stomach feeling when my dad wanted to know if I was going to leave or not. I’ve been gone two years now. Two years! Things have not always been smooth sailing. For the longest time, I felt so guilty when I admitted that things were not all hunky-dory. I mean, leaving an abusive environment would make everything 100% better, right? Well, in some ways yes…I decide what I’m going to do and why…I make my own decisions, my own beliefs (despite people still listening to my dad and thinking Scottie has brainwashed me!). But there’s still a shitload of stuff to deal with. But I’ve come a long way, and that’s what I’m celebrating.
I think the biggest thing I’ve accomplished is learning to own myself. To not make apologies for my beliefs and thoughts and feelings. To become confident in them! To not worry what other people are going to think when I cut my hair in a fauxhawk (which I love!!). To not worry what other people are going to think when I wear things that make ME feel pretty. To wear makeup that makes ME feel pretty. Don’t get me wrong…I still worry about what other people think of me sometimes, but it’s no longer my constant, overshadowing fear.
I still get depressed. I get really, really depressed sometimes…like the kind that makes you just want to stop existing because you don’t even want to move or think. But I can get help for my depression. I’m not stuck in it.
There are too many things to list…and more than I can remember right now. But I’m proud of myself, for what I’ve done and accomplished in just two years. (The me of two years ago wouldn’t recognize the me of today, that’s for sure!) I’ve lost friends and family members along the way because they’ve refused to accept I could believe something differently than they do, but they’re the ones missing out. I’m happy (except when I’m not!)…my daughter is healthy and happy…my husband is happy. It hurts when people leave my life because they can’t accept it, but honestly I’m better off: I don’t need people dragging this pessimist down!
This is who I am. I respect you and your beliefs, but I don’t have to agree and I will not change if you don’t like my beliefs! I am growing in confidence. I am growing in knowledge. I am growing emotionally. I am purging lies like “you’re worthless” from my head. I am proud of myself. I am strong.