Pros & Cons
I’ve talked to a lot of people about the place I came from. They’re all like “I would have never stood for that!” or “I would have punched your dad in the face if I were you and he said that to me!” or “I would have just left!” Thing is, it wasn’t that easy. It took Scottie years of gentle guidance for me to realize that it was OK to leave, that my feelings of being stuck and hating what they were doing to me weren’t just me being selfish or “acting like a teenager”. He relied a lot on articles from the Quivering Daughters website (specific articles linked below). The thing I try to explain, that they still don’t get, is just how brainwashed I was.
While going through files on my computer trying to make space, I came across a document with a list I had made of pros & cons of moving out. Once I finally got to the point where I accepted that moving out was a valid solution (even though the thought still terrified me and I still thought I was going to hell for it), Scottie had me make a list of what would be good and what would be bad about leaving and moving to Oklahoma (hence the comment about humidity!). The good by far outweighed the bad. (When I’m talking about not having Facebook/phone, this was after my parents discovered I was talking to Scottie, and banned me from communication with the outside world. Yes, at 23 years old.) This was one of the exercises Scottie had me do to figure out if I really wanted to leave or not. Maybe, after reading this and the articles below, you’ll get a better idea just how stifled I was.
Pros
——
S C O T T I E & all the stuffs we can dooooooo ^_^
truly discussing things, not just a one-sided thing
getting a tattoo
getting other earring(s)
dress how I want (not that I don’t really already, just won’t have to worry about it)
won’t have to worry about what they are thinking about me
won’t have to worry about asking permission about everything under the sun
won’t have to worry about being told what the Bible says
won’t have to put up with Mom nagging
will be able to gain some confidence & skills in martial arts
no more dog & pony shows
no more constantly second-guessing them
can watch movies
can listen to whatever music I want without having to worry about filtering it
no stupid internet filter!
nobody being nosy and griping about ‘hiding’ stuff
peace and quiet
no lack of discipline
can play Puzzle Pirates again and other stuff online
can facebook again
can have a phone again without having to worry about anybody snooping thru my contacts or texts
can get a real job
can get up or sleep when I decide I need to, or when I make myself…that it’s MY decision (even if it’s having to be at work at a certain time, *I* decide when I get up)
being able to think freely
being able to talk to ppl again
being able to GO DO stuff!
being able to talk to whoever I want to and have whatever friends I want without them censuring or looking down on them or making them friend them on FB or they can’t be my friend
won’t miss the dog
won’t have stupid rules that accomplish nothing anyway
won’t miss the boys’ sometimes overprotectiveness lol
won’t miss the boys saying my clothes are immodest just cuz they don’t like them
will be able to have and show emotions
won’t miss having to wear a dress to town always
won’t miss their pride over the fish tank being their TV
won’t have to worry about someone searching my room to read my diary when I’m gone
won’t have to worry about ppl snooping on my computer
won’t miss having to be stuck at home
trying black nailpolish at least once
being able to wear makeup without being told I look like a whore
Cons
——
will miss my family and Beth and Elle
will miss the comfortableness we shared sometimes
will miss our family jokes
will miss the camraderie when we go hunting
will miss the camraderie period
will miss the boys to tease me (in the nice ways)
will miss Ben terrorizing me to make me yell
will miss looking over at Beth and both laughing and knowing what we’re thinking
will miss talking to Beth across the room with just expressions and making dad wonder what we’re talking about
will miss the boys’ attemps to protect me
will miss dad’s hugs and voice
will miss mom’s soft hugs too lol
will miss the unique scent of Ben (no that is not naughty)
will miss always seeing Ben’s silly smile
will miss Eric’s weird sense of humor and him bursting out laughing at a joke but for his own reasons
will miss all the news and knowing what’s going on
will miss family birthdays
will miss them a lot on all birthdays and holidays lol
will miss Elle’s funny ways and speech
will miss Elle growing up
will miss Elle’s hugs
will prolly miss all their weddings
will miss the other friends and family and ppl I know
humidity!
Here’s the list of articles that helped me the most:
Considering a Godly Response to Unhealthy Authority
The Curse of Eve … When Free Will Isn’t Free
Daughters in Waiting: Adult Daughters at Home
Daughters of Patriarchy: Codependency
Love Song V — Light Dawns in Darkness
Quiverfull Daughters: Little Mothers, Little Sisters
I should probably read all those QD posts again. I read them a few years ago–QD was instrumental in my realization that my family was spiritually abusive, that it wasn’t ME that was wrong–and it would probably jump start my recovery again. I’ve really stalled this year after some more abusive realizations came to consciousness and just can’t get any healing traction again. Thanks for bringing them to my attention.
You’re welcome! Glad I could help!
Aw! I feel like this is the list from when I was 17 and decided to move across the ocean! Except I did not do a list, I did not have enough capacity to see what was going on. I think it’s pretty awesome you were still able to see all those things as problematic while you were there.
I’m sorry you miss them a lot! *hug*
The cons aren’t worth the pros. Esp. when you lose your soul in the process. Without God, life is not worth living.
Anything that breaks/tears a family apart is of Satan.
Funny…you don’t even have the guts to use a name when you tell me I’m a soulless satanist. Even a fake name.
It’s extremely arrogant to presume to tell me if my life is worth living or not! Have you ever heard the quote, don’t judge others until you’ve walked a mole in their shoes? Yeah. Sorry, in the expert on my life, not some random anonymous stranger.
Agreed. What a miserable coward. Typical fundy trait.
I’ve read your blog for a while but never commented. I think you’re doing an amazing job considering where you came from. I’ll agree with the anonymous poster that anything that tears a family apart is Satan but I’ll respectfully disagree with who was listening to Satan. I believe your parents have been listening to Satan’s lies for so long they cannot recognize them.
Thank you!
Mark 3:31-35
King James Version (KJV)
31 There came then his brethren and his mother, and, standing without, sent unto him, calling him.
32 And the multitude sat about him, and they said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren without seek for thee.
33 And he answered them, saying, Who is my mother, or my brethren?
34 And he looked round about on them which sat about him, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren!
35 For whosoever shall do the will of God, the same is my brother, and my sister, and mother.
She did not “break/tear apart a family”. She removed herself from a toxic and abusive environment. God’s desire for family wholeness does not trump each person as an individual and their health and wellness.
I hope, for her parents’ sake, this is not true.
Their parenting decisions certainly aren’t from God, but I’d hate to think they’re actually following Satan.
Anon –
Jesus said: “Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division. From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.” (Luke 12:51-53).
Jesus says He breaks families apart. By your reasoning, this means Jesus is of Satan. Or maybe there’s a problem in your reasoning somewhere….?
Anon,
One doesn’t lose their soul when fleeing from an abusive environment. They save it. It’s the abuse that is tearing this family apart, not Anne’s fault for leaving the toxic environment. She was an adult when she left, this is her right.
Yes it is tragic, isnt’ it, Another Anon, that so many families started out serving Jesus and ending up serving religion. They may have started home schooling out of a conviction of their own, or (more likely) out of competitive desire to keep up with the Christian Joneses and not be found lacking in spiritual fervor compared the their co-religionists.
Call is Satan if you will, but whatever it is, it is not anything at all like following Jesus.
This explains it well.
The divisions are to separate the believers from the non-believers.
http://fathersnort-sermons.blogspot.com/2010/09/did-jesus-come-to-tear-families-apart.html
Let us not forget that God created the family unit and His heart breaks when division occurs. But those are who true believers must take a stand for God and that is what often creates the division. It separates the wheat from the chaff.
http://www.arlev.co.uk/matt033.htm
Jesus is the one who ties warring families together if they all turn to Him, but the call which Jesus puts upon a believer’s life is such that it will not sit easily with people who would oppose the message. Therefore, perhaps we should expect families to become all the more divided when Jesus comes by His presence into their midst through one of their members?
“Certainly, to forsake the call and message of Jesus upon one’s life because of the strong obligation that exists towards members of one’s closest family is to be found ‘unworthy’ of Jesus where the thought is not so much that they have failed to gain acceptance before God through works but that they have failed to realise the implications of God’s prior acceptance of them and the need to put Him above everything else in their life.”
I ask this, only in love and with no harm intended: Do you still believe in God, Anne? Can I pray for you?
~A loving sister
Hi!
No, I don’t believe in a god of any sort (I’ve talked about that a few times on my blog in previous posts). When I moved out of my parents’ house I was still a Christian, but letting go of god and religion was the biggest step in my healing.
I’m so sorry. Is it permittable of me to pray for you? I would love to see you in Heaven someday!
I’m not sorry, and I don’t feel I need prayed for, but I’m not gonna tell you what to do.
I would however encourage you to check out older posts on my blog to see where I’m coming from.
Thanks, I’ll do that. I suppose it’s just hard for me to not want to share the love of Christ with all those that I come in contact with. My life isn’t perfect because of Christ. If anything, it’s harder now than before I was a Christian because of the opposition I receive and how the devil tries to bring me down and lead me to believe lies about myself. But Christ has made me whole and healed my scars and wounds. I am so thankful for that.
I just wanted to share God’s joy with you. But I won’t push anything on you.
All the best!
This homeschool dad told me today that indoctrination doesn’t exist in the homeschool world because it just means to teach. hello, its called brainwashing, and that happened to the majority of homeschoolers my age.
I think it happens to MOST homeschoolers!