The Eighth and Final Square

with courage face the thing you fear so the pawn becomes the queen

It occurred to me in the middle if the night (after trying to sleep after being up for two hours with a baby who hates to sleep!) just what a dark place I came from, mentally.

I was really depressed (and didn’t know it), and was told depression was selfish and came from focusing on one’s own problems too much (but dad was allowed to be depressed).

I self-harmed regularly (they didn’t know of course), and was told people who did that were demon possessed.

I had suicidal thoughts constantly (sometimes I avoided taking medicine for my headaches because I was do tempted to take the whole bottle), and was told people who committed suicide were just selfish and lazy (when in reality it seemed like a very valid choice…my only two options to escape were death or moving out, and either way I’d lose my family).

I felt incredibly stuck, doomed to a life of obeying men and making babies, and was told that was the way I was redeemed in god’s eyes for Eve’s sin, that I actually wasn’t ‘less’ than a man even though I was supposed to obey them, and that I should be happy through it all.

I was punished or scolded for having the wrong facial expression, yet they didn’t take the time to find out what was really going on (not that I would have told…they lost my trust years before).

I was told if I acted like a child, I’d be treated like one and if I acted like an adult I’d be treated like one…and then only ever treated as a child, so I stopped caring.

I was afraid of god, yet told that I should go to him for everything even though I was supposed to fear him.

I was terrified of hell, and told I could never really know if I was going to heaven or not until I died.

I was afraid to even think about demons, because I was told they appear to people who want to see them and if I thought about them, they would interpret that as wanting to see them.

I was told family was everything, and the only people who would ever be there for me, yet they ditched me when I didn’t do what they wanted.

I was unhappy, but told that I was the problem.

They didn’t try to help…because there wasn’t anything wrong with me, I was just a bad person, or just acting like a teenager. I was labeled independent, bossy, selfish, arrogant, know-it-all, lazy, moody, and anti-family in my preteens and early teens…and they never saw past those things.

So last night when I was thinking about this stuff…I again realized how free and relatively unafraid I am now. (I still have some weird paranoias, but that’s another story!) I don’t think about suicide anymore. I don’t self-harm, and besides a bout of postpartum depression, I’m fairly depression-free. I don’t fear hell or god or demons.

I know what they think…they think I can’t really be happy because I’m not doing the “right” thing. They think if I say I’m happy, that I’ve convinced myself I am, but I’m not really. But the truth is, they are the unhappy ones. They have locked themselves in a prison of their own making, full of rules and asceticism and austerity and martyrdom. They say they love their god, but they are the ones who love themselves…because they think following all these rules they made will keep them right with god. They say they are selfless, that everyone else is the self-loving ones, but they are incredibly self-serving. They don’t realize that how to really love someone is to let them be themselves…not molded and pressed and squeezed into what they want you to be. Everything in their little kingdom has to be just right or they will cut you off.

Anyway…we are poor, but my peace of mind is priceless. There is absolutely nothing on earth that could ever convince me to go back into that dark place.

Phoenix On October - 5 - 2012

4 Responses so far.

  1. quietpanther says:

    <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

    I love you so much and I'm so proud of who you are, where you stand, how far you've come, and how true you are to yourself. You amaze me every day ^_^

  2. Rebekah says:

    Great post.And this part is beautiful:
    “Anyway…we are poor, but my peace of mind is priceless. There is absolutely nothing on earth that could ever convince me to go back into that dark place.”

  3. Kayla says:

    Three thoughts came to me while reading this and I’m struggling to put it into the right words.

    1. My stepchildren. I’m told they have to be controlled, but personally, I WANT to resist my urge to control. Some of the things I feel tempted to do are listed here, in what has been done to you. This proves to me that my stronger, nurturing instinct is stronger and better.

    2. My own personal demons. I went through so much of this. It makes me wonder why I even go through thinking about #1 when I know how much harm it did me (and you). What was done to me wasn’t in the name of religion, but in the name of control and “tough love”.

    3. How glad I am that you see all of these things. That you can put a finger on what has been done to you (many people can’t), that you are fighting to a better place for yourself. This is not only the best thing you can do for yourself, but it helps other people put their own finger on their own pulses of why, what, how, and where of their own lives.

    You’re wonderful and very much loved.

    • QuicksilverQueen says:

      I can tell you with absolute certainty…control is NEVER a good option. You can never fully control another human being unless you lock them up…and trying to gain more control will only make them resent you and run faster!

      It’s HARD to get away from your personal demons!! It’s still hard for me to practice gentle parenting because my first instinct, what was taught to me from a very young age, was to spank if your kid didn’t do something you liked. Or to just be insensitive to their needs because you’re the parent and you can do whatever you want and what you want comes first. It’s hard.

      Thank you ♥ ♥ ♥ I love you too!! It makes me really happy if I can help others too 🙂

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Welcome! This is my space on the internet to explore myself and my life and find my courage to turn into a queen. My Quilt No content on this blog may be used or reproduced elsewhere without a link back.

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