“To Train Up a Child” — Promote this series
Introduction
Chapter 1 Part 1
Chapter 1 part 2
Chapter 2
Chapter 3

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This chapter is fairly short, and targets parental anger. I was actually surprised to see one instance of where the mother had to change her attitude towards her daughter, who was “a very good and obedient daughter”, but sullen and morose with her mother. But again, it appears the Pearls are trying to talk to all parents, and fall sadly short — not all parents are like this. I’m sure the discerning mother or father would know that, but then again — someone so discerning probably wouldn’t be reading this book!

If these were merely presented as examples (which some of them are meant to be), that would be fine. However, he goes on to talk directly to the parent, telling them what they have done wrong, whether or not they have. Perhaps he supposes that whoever is reading this book has done these things and is reading it as a last resort, and perhaps he’s right; but I also have seen how he presumes to read people’s minds, and it merely comes across to me as arrogant. I don’t have a problem addressing a parenting book to parents; the problem I have is addressing a parenting book to parents, telling them they are doing this that or the other thing, with no conditional statements.

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No More Chances

A huge problem, which Michael Pearl kinda-sorta identifies, is of a parent who makes no real attempt to teach their child good values rather than good actions; a parent who instead of trying to help their child, gets angry and frustrated and ends up responding wrongly. Instead of trying to remedy this problem, this book merely seeks to splint an open wound or bandage a broken arm: to continue to demand good actions by force rather than impart good values by patience and love.

As I was working on this book, a young mother said to me: “I get so angry sometimes; I treat the children so badly. They just upset me. Johnny is always picking on Mary and making her whine. I have to just stay on top of them all the time to prevent them from doing something they shouldn’t. What can I do to overcome my anger?”

Previously, the parents rewarded disobedience by saying, “Now Johnny, I have told you not to do that. I am going to give you one more chance and then I will have to spank you.” As he continued to disobey, her frustration mounted.

The parents had effectively taught their child that he could disobey until the parent’s frustration reached a certain level.

For one thing, I don’t believe it’s rewarding disobedience to give a child a second chance before punishment. Children are smart, but some are often forgetful. However, this is still speaking from the “good actions” side. A better way to approach this whole scenario would be if the mother would teach Johnny why picking on someone is disrespectful, mean, and rude; and what can he do to help his sister instead? (Also, why is he picking on her in the first place? The attention from Mom? The reaction from Mary? Figuring out the motives goes a long way to figuring out how to deal with it all.) All of these things should be taken into consideration.

The mother’s anger could be overcome if she would remove the cause of her anger. No, not the children, but their disobedience. Eventually, she always got them to obey. It was the long dragged out, tense and competitive prelude to their eventual obedience that was stirring her ire. The children were actually responding quite predictably. She had trained them not to obey until she got angry.

From the story (I didn’t quote the whole thing, just the relevant parts), it didn’t even sound like that much of a “long dragged out, tense and competitive prelude to their eventual obedience”. That is, if she truly did what she said: warned, then spanked. Which again, I’m definitely not pro-spanking, but I see nothing wrong with a reminder. There were many times when I wished I had just gotten a reminder instead of a spanking, because in those instances, whatever I had done was out of thoughtlessness, an accident, or a mistake that I knew was against the rules. A spanking just made me upset and frustrated (and in some ways helped reinforce the idea that I was a bad person).

Basically, this quote sounds like the mother’s anger is legitimate and good by saying her anger could be “overcome” by removing the cause of her anger (the lack of first-time obedience in her children). How about if the mother tried being patient? And tried patiently teaching Johnny? It sounds like the mother acknowledges she has issues with anger management. The way to address that though is not to blame the kids, but to seek help for herself before trying any kid-reform.

He’s saying the mother is angry because her child doesn’t take her threats of punishment seriously, when what it sounds like is that there’s an ongoing problem that discipline (which she implies is being consistently implemented) is not solving, and that this problem is causing her a great deal of anger and frustration.

I believe only rarely are children born bent on disaster, and when they are, it’s something wrongly wired in their brain called psychopathy. But instead of dealing with the root issues here (the mother’s lack of patience and teaching), what happens?

I gave her a copy of some child training material that I had written. Reading it, she decided to make some changes. She made it plain to her son that he was not to tease his smaller sister. She told Johnny that if he disobeyed he would be spanked for the first offense. The first spanking was a shock to Johnny. Mother was not waiting until she got mad. No warnings, no threats–she seemed to expect him to obey the very first time!

After two days of consistently rewarding every transgression with a spanking, Johnny turned to his mother and said, “But Mother, you are not giving me any more chances!” The mother said, “That’s right, you don’t get any more chances. From now on you are to always obey the first time.” He had been using his “chances” to purchase disobedience. After two years he now obeys the first time, and Mother no longer gets angry.

One-size-fits-all band-aid! (For the record, as I think I mentioned in an earlier post, I don’t believe in threats either.)

License to Disobey

When the State Fish and Game Commission issues permits allowing you to catch five trout, but no more, they are not preventing trout fishing, they are advocating it. These parents had issued their children a license to be disobedient five times, but punished them for the sixth offense. So every day the children went fishing for trouble, but always with an eye on the “warden.” They would try to anticipate when to stop short of the real “last chance.”

When Mom reduced the disobedience limit to zero and outlawed disobedience, little Johnny had to test the lawgiver to see if it was just another permit. When the “Warden” (Mama) proved to be serious, he decided that he didn’t love “fishing for trouble” enough to pay the fine for what he caught. Little Johnny started obeying all laws the first time.

From the story, there’s no evidence the mother let it slide five times and punished for the sixth offense. It sounds like she consistently gave him one warning, not five (which would be even more of a reason to believe she needed anger management classes!). Perhaps this is from another example, or perhaps the story was wrongly worded. In any case, the end result is merely that Johnny is now obeying the rules. His heart isn’t touched. There’s no reason to obey the rules, other than that he will have to endure pain if he doesn’t. What will Johnny do? Most likely, try to find ways to get around the rule.

This doesn’t mean Johnny is malicious, either. It means that there is no true repentance of any wrongdoing, no reason to want to do anything differently, other than the fear of pain, and possibly no understanding of what he was doing that was wrong in the first place. Was it what he said? Was it what he did? Was it his attitude? Did it depend upon whether or not Mary got irritated?

There were many rules, when I was a child. Good-for-me rules, like “don’t go up the stairs in the barn”, presumably because the stairs were unsafe for an eight-year-old. (As I recall though, grown men went up and down those stairs…if there was any danger, it would have been under an adult’s weight, not a child’s!) I was not taught to use self-control (though my parents did try, but in wrong ways), and because I wanted it, I found out how to obey the letter of the rule , while disobeying the spirit. (Hm, sounds like legalism!) Instead of going up the stairs, I climbed the cherry picking ladders, and from them stepped onto the five-inch-wide rim above the haymow, probably at least 10 feet in the air. I walked along the haymow, then managed to get into the second-story window.

My only intention was to see what was up there. It was not to disobey, necessarily, because technically I didn’t! It was that I wanted it, and set out to achieve it without breaking the rules. I remember many other instances in which I circumvented the rules (without technically breaking them), and none of them were malicious in intent. (For the record, I still got in trouble!)

The child who does this can be difficult to deal with. “But you said not to jump on the blue chair and I’m jumping on the green one!” The child is not trying to break the unstated “don’t jump on the furniture” rule; s/he likes the soft springiness of the furniture and is trying to enjoy that while still satisfying the “don’t jump on the blue chair” rule. Your child is not out to get you or to make your life miserable!

This next paragraph (which I’ve broken up) is so full of “wrong”:

If State Troopers ceased writing tickets and instead started nagging and threatening, it would be tantamount to abolishing the speed limit.

Probably.

Picture a trooper pulling a speeder over and then explaining how sad it makes him feel for them to be going so fast.

Are we still talking about policemen here, or ineptly setting up a straw man for the “teaching in patience and love” I keep talking about?

Can you see a trooper sitting on the side of the road shaking his fist and turning red in the face as cars speed by?

That’s just silly.

After the sixth time of motorists being told, “Now I am not going to tell you again,” all law would break down into “and every man did that which was right in his own eyes.”

Policemen don’t hand out tickets every time. Scottie has gotten more warnings than he has tickets! For minor violations, they may or may not ticket. The point of the traffic laws is to keep the road safe, not to ticket everyone going a couple miles over the speed limit.

Parent, you can not blame your children if you have caused them to understand that disobedience is only unacceptable after several warnings and then a threat topped off by an ultimatum, and finally a gesture of force.

I think this is the most sense he’s made in the chapter so far. Yes. This is unacceptable behavior. But not cured by Michael Pearl’s methods! Ever notice how he never cites specific examples of his methods working long-term besides with his own family? Perhaps in the short term (as in previous chapters, mentioning he met the family weeks after converting them to his discipline methods), but what about long-term? In ten years, what would this mother say about her son? What would this son say about his mother and his childhood?

Anger

Parent, you have trained yourself not to discipline immediately, but to wait until your irritation builds into anger. You have allowed your motivation to be anger. “But how can I stop being so angry?” Simple. Discipline them immediately upon the slightest disobedience. Don’t wait until it becomes a personal affront to you.

Note that this doesn’t account for or place any real blame on the parent (and here is where he apparently addresses all parents, without using a conditional clause) for being angry. How to eliminate the anger the parent feels is simple to him: don’t let it escalate by promptly dealing with “the slightest disobedience”. Hmm…sounds to me more like this gives license for the parent, instead of dealing with their own shortcomings, to take everything out on the kids. “Slightest disobedience”? I can’t count how many spankings I got over that one. Stuff like, obeying with obvious irritation (instead of cheerfulness…I hated my mom telling me what to do all the time, often unnecessarily!); trying to disagree with my mom and getting spanked for “talking back” because I didn’t have the right tone of voice (no matter how hard I tried to be respectful in my tone, offense was taken).

I’d also like to point out that if the disobedience of a child is a “personal affront to you”, you’re the one with the real problem!

The children perceive in your anger and frustration that the discipline is a personal matter, a competition of interest. You are viewed by the child much as they view a bigger child who is bullying them in order to get his own way. They are not being made to respect the law and lawgiver; they are simply being made to give in to a superior force. They feel as if you are committing a personal transgression against them–violating their rights. They see you as just protecting your own rights and trampling on theirs. You have lost the dignity of your office. As they say, “You are not Presidential enough.” Where there is no unwavering rule of law with consistent enforcement, in the child’s mind there is no law at all, just competition for supremacy.

This is all if you only punish out of anger and frustration, parents. I know not all of you are in the same situation. Just thought I’d make that clear, since Michael Pearl thinks he is the end-all. Parenting is not a war. Spanking won’t change the child’s respect, it’ll merely give them respect (i.e. fear) for the consequences. Somehow I also doubt most children feel their rights are violated when their parent punishes them, unless s/he believes the punishment to be unjust or unwarranted. Children have a very strong sense of justice!

I Made A Child That I Don’t Like

The reason you are angry toward your children is that you don’t like them. “Oh! I love my children very much.” I didn’t say you didn’t love them. I say there are occasions when you just don’t like them, for the simple reason that at such times they are very unlikable. It is impossible to like a whining, selfish, self-centered, spoiled brat.

Again, a non-conditional, false, blanket statement. I would also hope that one would dislike the action, not the person. When my husband makes me angry or irritated, I don’t dislike him, I dislike what he did! Two very, very different things, and a distinction Michael Pearl fails to see. He is confusing liking someone with being pleased with them. Also two very, very different things.

We cannot help approving of that which is good and lovely, and despising that which is ugly and unwholesome. God himself has such feelings (Ps. 11:5). We are involuntarily very fair about it. When we think we are ugly in spirit we equally dislike ourselves.

Actually, that’s not completely true. Not all people approve of that which is good and lovely (people carrying grudges are angered by any goodness of the object of their ill will). And people aren’t usually very fair about it: which is why so many are accused of hypocrisy. Not everyone recognizes the same behaviors in themselves that they dislike in others. Nearly everyone judges others by their actions, and themselves by their motives. Whether or not you believe the Christian bible, there is definitely truth in saying you should remove the plank from your own eye before addressing the speck in your brother’s!

You must face the fact that there are times when you just do not like your own child. I have observed the sometimes intense dislike of a mother for her teenage daughter or son. You may say, “But no one else dislikes the youth.” If they had to live with him on the same terms as the parent, they would.

Sometimes parents don’t like their child, or at least don’t give any reason to believe they do. I often felt disliked by my mom. But that’s the parent’s fault, not the child’s, especially if the parent seems to be the only one with that problem. Hmm…just maybe the problem lies with the person who is doing the disliking?? What a concept.

Now, why is your child unlikable? You will not like the answer: You made him that way through your training techniques. You may say, “But, I have not instituted any training techniques. I just scold them when it gets to be too much to bear.” Precisely.

Stick to one story, please! Is it an issue the parent has (that should be corrected by the parent), or the child’s problem (as a result of bad parenting, which is still the parent’s fault)?

Most automobile drivers are aware that the radar patrolman will usually allow motorists to go four-miles-per-hour over the speed limit without issuing a ticket. Consequently, most motorists will drive four or five miles-per-hour over the speed limit. When you allow your children to be disobedient four or five times before applying discipline, you are training them to disobey.

Back to this analogy. Giving a bit of grace in regards to the speed limit is not “training” people to get away with what they can. Not everyone goes above the speed limit. Some people consistently drive four to five miles below the speed limit, even though they know they could get away with more.

There is nothing cute or lovable about a whining “brat.” To allow a child to whine and disobey is to mold a personality and character that you will eventually find hard to like.

Whining and disobeying are two very different things.

By taking control and teaching them to control their emotions and to instantly obey, the child will be cheerful and pleasant.

Hang on here…taking control of the situation is not teaching self-control, it’s parent-controls-the-kid! And why is he still mixing apples (whining/emotions) with oranges (obedience)? Besides those issues, emotions are not wrong…and should be expressed, but in a proper fashion. I don’t believe at all in “controlling one’s emotions”, but rather controlling the way the emotions are expressed. And no, controlling your child’s emotions and making them instantly obey is not the way to make a child cheerful and pleasant. It’s an excellent way to make them feel empty, trapped, and miserable. I’m a testament to that fact.

Then the mother will like her daughter as well as love her. The child reciprocates the mother’s delight by loving and honoring her even more. They can both enjoy each other’s company. The mother is rested and refreshed by spending time with her children.

I still think this mother has issues she needs to work through. Also, funny how now he says children will reciprocate the mother’s delight. But if they are spanked…he doesn’t expect violent reciprocation?!

Children do reciprocate and emulate what they are given as examples, which is all the more reason to teach in patience and love.

The Fourteen-Year-Old

Talking with a mother concerned about the attitude of her fourteen-year-old, it became apparent she just did not like her own child. The mother’s disapproval and frequent criticism had caused the daughter to become morose.

Actually, she was a very good and obedient daughter. She was cheerful with others, but sullen with her mother.

First of all, the “problem” lies not with the fourteen-year-old, but with the mother. Anybody who is constantly receiving disapproval and criticism from someone else will of course feel morose and disagreeable towards them! I can testify to this as well.

The mother was wondering if she should use the rod to correct bad attitudes. She was afraid she had lost all control and influence.

It’s really obvious by now that the mother has a huge problem. (Fortunately, this is the one example in which it’s pointed out that the mother’s attitude towards her daughter is what needs to change, not the daughter.) My mom was the same way though. She would get upset at me if she thought I was looking at her in a wrong way. (I still can’t get over that…I still to this day have no idea what it was about my look that she didn’t like!)

The mother had a very stormy youth and was anxious to prevent her daughter from the same fate.

Why is she worried about this? The daughter was already described as being “good and obedient”, not at all in the throes of a stormy youth.

The more irritated the mother became and the harder she pushed, the more ground she lost.

Why is this mother irritated with the daughter at all? Because the daughter is merely giving back the bad attitudes she’s receiving from her mother?

I knew this family when the daughter was a child. I recall that even then the mother didn’t like her daughter. Taking her own ugly attitude to Christ, the mother found cleansing and healing. The teenage daughter quickly showed tremendous improvement.

It’s not the daughter who has the problem here, even though emphasis seems to be placed on the daughter’s reaction. It’s obvious that the mother has had a long-term problem with this daughter, and once the mother dealt with her attitude (or whatever she did with it), she apparently became nicer to her daughter, who reciprocated by becoming nicer to her.

Sometimes in the areas of talent and personality, parents have narrow expectations for their children and are critical when they fall short.

“Narrow expectations” — like first time obedience?!

But, more prominently, …

He cites no statistics or evidence to back up this claim that is essential to the book (after all, it isn’t a book on understanding your child, it’s a book on training them).

… where the parents are poor trainers, they come to dislike the child they have produced. If you have painted a picture that you don’t like, don’t blame the canvas. Get out the brushes and paint over the mess.

In my opinion, if the parents dislike the child at all, the problem isn’t because their children are poorly “trained”, but because the parents have issues. I also dislike the allusion to painting over the mess, because it implies to me that if your kids are screwed up, to fix it, all you have to do is cover it up and start again. Covering up does not fix anything, not even a picture you painted that you don’t like. All it does is provide a thin veneer over what could potentially bite you in the rear at a later date. There’s a reason objects are sanded before a new paint job: if you paint over the existing paint, sooner or later the pretty new coat will peel and become even uglier than it had been in the beginning. (Hmm, maybe the painting analogy was the most appropriate to use!)

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The next chapter is probably the best one in the whole book, and it is about creating relationships with your children. Unfortunately, one chapter of relationship-building does little to balance out the other 18 chapters full of harsh words, strict punishments, and war-like attitudes towards parenting.

There are 21 chapters total, but the last two are letters from Michael and Debi to their children.

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“To Train Up a Child” — Promote this series
Introduction
Chapter 1 Part 1
Chapter 1 part 2
Chapter 2
Chapter 3