The Eighth and Final Square

with courage face the thing you fear so the pawn becomes the queen

That’s what I call the letter my parents sent out to everyone. I’ve been wanting to do a breakdown of it for a while. Besides that, it helps me to dissect it. And if anyone thinks it’s “disrespectful” or whatever, well, stuff it. Call this the “other side”.

For those of you unlucky enough to NOT get this gem sent to you…here’s the version with…shall we say, bonus features. ;)

To All,
It is with great sadness, terrible heartache and trembling fear [fear? ookay...] we regret to inform you [why does this sound like "I really hate to tell you this, but so-and-so had a *gasp* baby out of wedlock *gasp*!!!"? Lol. I know that's not the tone it was meant, but still] that our daughter Anne has rejected God into whom she was once baptized [because I left four walls and a roof? who knew], and us her family [hey, I wasn't the one who made up the rule that if I left, I would get cut off] in exchange for a man [the horror! Hey, I thought that's what marriage was anyway, finding the guy you would leave your family for?], a bartender [*gasp*!], in Tulsa, OK [worse and worse! Hey, at least he's not French, dad] she has never met face to face. [except thru Skype webcam, on the phone, email, text, pretty much any form of communication you can think of BESIDES being able to touch. And the sad fact is, despite not having met "face to face", he knew me better than you did, dad, because he knew ME...not his projection/perception of me. He didn't let himself get in the way of knowing me.]

We forbade this relationship some time ago [more accurately, he told me not to talk to guys online], but Anne rebelled against us [I was 20 or 21. You decide if it was rebellious.] and surreptitiously pursued this relationship [He's just mad I outsmarted him] for her own selfish desires [Not sure what he means there by that. It was true tho that when he told me to stop talking to guys, I couldn't because I was too close to Scottie. Oh, and dad knew that I still talked to other guys, he just had a problem with Scottie. "Selfish" was also his favorite word to describe me.]. Eight weeks ago Anne admitted her very soul was in crisis of being lost because of this [Eight weeks before was when everything "blew up" and they kicked Joe out and stuff. And it wasn't really me deciding to stay, either...it was more of the stuck feeling stuff, plus some "signs" I thought I saw, because I couldn't make a decision on my own. Now tell me, is that healthy for an adult?], today she doesn’t care. [Damn straight. I was nearly suicidal. I did not care at that point if leaving was the "right" thing or not. I didn't care if it was "biblical". It was going to save my life. But they didn't know that.]

For 23 years Ruth and I have loved her, cared for her, sacrificed for her, trained her in what is right to make her a woman for God. [That makes me feel like a dog. lol I'm also not sure where the whole get-off-the-coattails thing came in, either...because he was still "training" me in my adult years? While always saying he didn't want his kids to sit on his coattails, especially because it was "easy"? Hmm. I also see "woman for God" instead of "woman of God"...not sure if that is a typo or not, but they mean two completely different things.] Today, we will not support her in her sin [the sin of moving out, I guess...must be the eleventh commandment, "thou shalt not move out of they parents' house"], and a great sin it is to rebel against God and God instituted authority. ["You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Talking about "rebel" and "authority" and "God instituted authority". To rebel is literally to defy government/the person in authority. I didn't defy him, I left. And quietly.] We will not enable her to “have it all” [I think that means "we will not enable her to have her family and her man" or something] but rather gave her an ultimatum. [See? I wasn't the one who cut them off. I wasn't the one that made that rule, they did. It's called bounded choice.] She didn’t choose God or us. Despite this, we still love her [yup, feelin' the love here...], but we have to commend her to God to discipline her and bring her to repentance. [finally? It kind of sounds like a curse though. Like how they said people saying "just wait until YOU have teenagers" was like a curse to them. Like they're HOPING God will discipline me (oh, and bring me to repentance).]

Ruth and I still have 10 remaining children at home God has given us the responsibility to train and nurture and raise in the instruction of Christ. Because of those 10, we can no longer have any contact with Anne lest our efforts to forestall such a happenstance in our remaining children be for naught. [In other words, "We can't have anything to do with Anne in case the other kids figure out they can leave too.] Like the prodigal, if she returns, it will be in repentance… and alone. [Unlike the prodigal's father, they will not accept me with open arms and throw a party. Oh, and I didn't get any kind of inheritance when I left, soo...I think neither of us resembles that story.]

Please don’t ask us as to Anne’s welfare… because we don’t and won’t know. [Well, except for when we spy on what she says thru mutual friends' facebooks, and harass said friends as to if they are "encouraging" her.] Don’t notify us as to her welfare if you choose to support her in sin and have contact with her [veiled threat here...in other words "if you contact Anne you are sinning!"], because she has cut herself off from us. [Wait...what about "we gave her an ultimatum"??] Anne understands very well this is her choice, not ours. [Lol. Makes me sound like a naughty child.]

Some of you may have a hard time understanding why we are taking this stand. [More like NOBODY understands.] Our perspective is biblical, not cultural. [Cuz "culture" is the worst thing EVAR. Well, except "biblical culture", as in, the culture of the Israelites/Jews/etc.]

But a natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised. 1 Corinthians 2:14 [This must have to do with the "hard time understanding" and "biblical, not cultural" because it has nothing to do with the subject of me leaving. Defensive, much?]

But the day of the Lord will come like a thief, in which the heavens will pass away with a roar and the elements will be destroyed with intense heat, and the earth and its works will be burned up. Since all these things are to be destroyed in this way, what sort of people ought you to be in holy conduct and godliness, looking for and hastening the coming of the day of God, because of which the heavens will be destroyed by burning, and the elements will melt with intense heat! 2 Peter 3: 10-12 [...wow, that had...nothing...to do with anything previously said...]

If you are interested, here are a few portions from the Word of God as to where our perspective comes from: [I added the verses when they appear]

Ephesians 6:1-3, 1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.2 “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—3 “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
[I'm sure the emphasis is on the first verse. It does say "children", however. He says you never stop being your parents' child, but HE doesn't practice what he preaches and obey HIS parents, so I don't get how he thinks I should do everything he says. Oh, and he forgot verse #4. And he thinks it's terrible when people don't get the full context. I get more in-depth on these verse and his reasoning over here.]

1 Samuel 2:12 to 1 Samuel 3:14, [That one is a long one so you can go read it there. Basically, this is one of the passages his "adult sons and daughters must obey their parents" belief hinges on...because it says "never restrained them" (or in this version, "failed to restrain"). Using this as a father-son relationship guide is silly, however, because as the high priest, Eli should have "fired" them, and that would have in effect "restrained" them, but as an adult, in a business sense, rather than a naughty child sense.]

1 Corinthians 7:25-38, [Hm, yes, I see how this applies…Paul has no commands regarding virgins…if a virgin marries she has not sinned…and a man may marry an old virgin if he wants. Huh.]

Numbers 16:1-40, [Another one of his favorite passages. What has it to do with this situation? nothing, except it's his second-favorite passage in the Bible (the one in Samuel is his first) so of course it needs to be here!]

Jude 4-16, 4 For certain individuals whose condemnation was written about long ago have secretly slipped in among you. They are ungodly people, who pervert the grace of our God into a license for immorality and deny Jesus Christ our only Sovereign and Lord.

5 Though you already know all this, I want to remind you that the Lord at one time delivered his people out of Egypt, but later destroyed those who did not believe.6 And the angels who did not keep their positions of authority but abandoned their proper dwelling—these he has kept in darkness, bound with everlasting chains for judgment on the great Day.
[...I think he just dissed me. haha Did I creep in unnoticed? Oh I see, I'm sexually immoral and going after strange flesh because I...married against my father's wish? And was a virgin? And have only ever had sex with my husband?]

2 Peter 2:1-22, [...I think he's referring to himself here...??]

1 Corinthians 5:9-13, 9 I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people—10 not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world.11 But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sistert but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.

12 What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside?13 God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked person from among you.”
[...wait...he's "expelling" (or as his version says, "put away") me because I'm sexually immoral, greedy, idolatrous, a slanderer, a drunkard, and a swindler? wtf?]

Deuteronomy 21:18-21 18 If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him,19 his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town.20 They shall say to the elders, “This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.”21 Then all the men of his town are to stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid.
[Soo...why didn't they stone me anyway? oh, lemme remember what he said…”I'm too cultural for that.” Lol. So I wonder why he quotes that law, but doesn't believe in doing the rest? Cherrypicking, perhaps? Come on, if you're gonna make a doctrine with a couple verses of the law, logically, you should use the whole thing.]

There are a great many scriptures that have to do with training and raising our children that I haven’t covered here. [I'm surprised. That he didn't list them all, I mean. His favorite replies to people when they ask questions is to give lists of Bible verses that don't make sense to the topic.] These that are listed are appropriate to the current situation. [Well, except the ones that...weren't...wait...does this mean it all WASN'T about training me and stuff?? Huh.]

Please pray with us, because we will be praying. [Praying for what? Scottie's death? Even before I was married they said he had to be dead before I could come back.] It is our hope and prayer that Anne would repent [...repent of leaving their house...?], turn from her wickedness [...the wickedness of leaving their house...?] and be restored. ["restored" is a nice word, but it implies happiness and starting clean and nice things like that. Going back would not equal nice things.]

Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay. (and gets all over everybody around you) [...that was random.]

With great sadness, [funny…the last emotion I felt from them was anger…somehow I doubt the prodigal son's father was angry when he left…just truly sad.]

Dennis and Ruth

I’ve tried to guess at the reason they sent this letter out. It seems childish, to me. Kind of an “I publicly wash my hands of you” type of thing. Or was it because if they didn’t, they might change their minds later and want me back? Mm…don’t think so. It’s kind of like they had to warn other people about me. (Such a criminal!) I really don’t get it…

And yes, doing this HELPS me. Any time I can unravel my dad’s twisted interpretations and stuff, especially by myself, I gain confidence. Sometimes I actually wish he would send me a nasty email so I could dissect it and point out the flaws. Yeah, I’m weird. It’s kind of a challenge though. It makes me feel more like I’m on equal footing with him as a person, instead of as the ground beneath his feet.

To read about my story, and how I met and married Scottie, go here.

QuicksilverQueen On March - 26 - 2011

32 Responses so far.

  1. Sara says:

    mind.blown.

  2. Fran says:

    Great comebacks lol. His letter never did make since. But then neither did he lol.

  3. Anonymous says:

    What a horrible, horrible thing to do to someone. I am so sorry you had to go through this Anne. If he is capable of delivering this kind of self-serving humiliation to an adult child… wow, I don’t even like to think further. There is absolutely no excuse for that kind of behavior. There is no scriptural basis for his tirade and shunning. There is not one bit of his childish, vengeful behavior that would get a nod of approval from God (or, dare I say, from a lot of the more loving side of the fundamentalist camp). Zip. Nada. None.

    I’m so thankful you got out, and into what sounds like a healthy situation.

    • quicksilverqueen says:

      Thank you! Can you believe I wasn’t even going to get help for any of this? Not until I found out my dad sent out this letter, actually. So maybe it was a good thing…though I’m sure someone would have convinced me if he hadn’t sent it out.

      (I must say, I always get excited now when I see the “anonymous” comments. :) )

      • Anonymous says:

        Guess I should have come up with a flashier user name, huh? Well, I get excited when I see a new post… and by the way, loved your last post! I was out of town when you wrote it, and a few of the comments pretty much summed up my feelings: I figure I’ll work on the “Love” commandments and the forgiveness thing, since Jesus was big on those, and if I get them nailed down, I’ll move on to the rest. But that’s just me.

        Anyway, like I said, it’s awesome watching your journey, toward an authentic adulthood, spirituality, relationships, and self. Not many people have the heart and maturity to go through such a process so, well… maturely! ; )

        I am VERY glad you are getting help for all this (more of the maturity I spoke of).

        • quicksilverqueen says:

          Lol! Ah well! That makes me happy, if you get excited when I post. I mostly post for myself…but it makes me very happy when I can help other people and when they like my stuff! I’m glad you liked my last post, too…it helps me a lot to think of everything that way.

          Thanks! I’m glad I have that freedom!

  4. Young Mom says:

    Good for you writing this out! His letter is insane, and the “God language” made me sick to my stomache, I still don’t understand how people can think that they have a direct line to God. And yet, my dad still maintains that he does, (however, unlike your dad, he’s conceded that he cannot force adult children to conform to “god’s will.”) So glad you left! Isn’t it strange how life transforms when you are out of the black hole? Despite all my fears and issues and questions that I am working through, I have never been this happy.

    • quicksilverqueen says:

      Thanks! I know it is strange, I do see how I’ve changed in the last 8 months! And yeah, stuff is still there to work through, but I’m wayyy happier overall than I’ve ever been too!!

  5. Jo says:

    He is crazy! He reminds me sooo much of my ex-husband’s father. I’m glad you are working through everything. My ex refused to, and he kind of went off the deep end over it. My ex’s parents have 8 children and not one of them stayed home. They all left, most after they were of age, but one left at age 12, and another at age 16.

  6. Rachel says:

    Oh. My. Word.

    That is scary. I’m glad that you are free, but I’ve got to think that seeing that does hurt a little bit. Ouch. Wow. Just have no words…

  7. Jo Mama says:

    So let me get this straight: in his way of thinking, all adult children must stay home until marrying someone that HE picks out, or they’re out of God’s will?

    Huh. Maybe you should start calling him “Pope George” (or whatever his name is), because he apparently thinks his judgment is infallible and straight from God.

    Being completely, honest, I could see myself being a little worried if my daughter went off to be with some guy she met online, but to cut you off, wish his death, and to ensure he never sees your children…???? That thar fellow has a personality disorder. This is not love, and this is not Christian.

    • quicksilverqueen says:

      He has quite a few nicknames in our house…one of them being “daddy-god” (sarcastically). And yes, that’s what he believes. In an earlier post of mine, I tell how he explains how he is god to his family.

    • Young Mom says:

      I’ve always considered my Dad the “Pope” of his own little cult, except he wasn’t elected, and has no bishops or doctrine to keep him in line!

  8. Darcy says:

    Every time I see that letter I shake my head. I’d love to give that man a piece of my mind. I better never run into him at a truck-stop ’round here. ;)

  9. Amy says:

    Wooooow.
    Wow.
    Insane.
    Keep standing firm!

  10. Marlana says:

    That is such spiritual and emotional abusive language. You have done nothing wrong.

    But if you did wrong, and you rebelled and had become the town prostitute, it would NOT warrant the letter or rejecting you for it. If he is a man of God, he would do as Jesus did, and that is love unconditionally.

    • quicksilverqueen says:

      That’s a good point! When my siblings and I become adults, we have *one* second chance (to do whatever my dad says). He doesn’t have much room in his religion for forgiveness.

  11. Shannon Penz says:

    Thanks so much for sharing this. It inspired me to be brave and finally process my own “termination letter” from my father that arrived about three years ago. (While not from the same background as your father, there is also very little room in his life for anyone who does not play by his rules.)

  12. Kristy says:

    It appears that your father never actually read the first part of that whole Prodigal Son parable. Otherwise, he would have seen that the father gave the son half his fortune and (presumably) his blessing, before the son squandered it on booze and women.

    • QuicksilverQueen says:

      No kidding!! Plus, the father was waiting EAGERLY for his son to return…not grudgingly.

      • Kristy says:

        It sounds like you are a really intelligent young woman (I can say that I’m 10 whole years older than you, LOL) and I wish you all the best. I hope that some day your father will allow God to soften his heart toward his children and that he will get to meet his grandchildren.

  13. Wow. It’s called “bullying”. It makes me mad to see all the horrible things people do in the name of God. Seriously, with all the stories I’ve read over the past few years, it reminds me of the Inquisition. People are so set on their own agenda that they are willing to emotionally torture the very people they were given to love. There is nothing I want to do more than to fight bullying of all kinds, and let people know that they ARE precious and special, regardless of how people treat them.

    As an aside, I found your blog through Incongruous Circumspection, but I have interacted with your man a few times many years ago through a mutual friend. It feels like a small world sometimes.

    Blessings to you!

    Ben

    • QuicksilverQueen says:

      You’re right — it is bullying, intentional or not.

      What a coincidence! Really does seem like a small world!

      Thanks for your comment!

  14. Sisterlisa says:

    **shaking my head**((face palm)) How can so called believers get it so twisted? His mind has been smeared by twisted teachings and they are obviously caught up in whatever it is that they believe.

    Well, I hope they run into this at some point in the future….

    Dear Dennis and Ruth,
    No matter what you believe about Anne and Scottie now, they ARE married and they will cling to one another. By your bible, they are ONE FLESH now. Scottie is her “authority”, not you. And as such, you have a “biblical” responsibility to treat Scottie and his wife with respect. Your bible commands you to love them as yourself. When you refrain from loving them, you refrain from loving God and that is in direct violation of the the Lord Jesus Christ who said… Matthew 25 41″Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, 43I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ 44Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’ 45Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ 46And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

    Regardless of what you may think about your religious superiority over Scottie and Anne, they are precious to the Lord Jesus. And no matter how much “biblical” knowledge you think you have, you have missed the point that Jesus came to teach, grace. Please wake up from your religious stupor and put your pride down under your feet and humble yourselves and wash the feet of your daughter and son-in-law. Having a relationship of love means to put aside your own beliefs so you can love others as Christ commands you to.

    Sisterlisa

  15. Retha says:

    Wow, QSQ, to think that way over a letter like that – remarkable. Your parents should be proud that they have such a clear-headed daughter, who could handle hurts in that way. Here’s hoping that someday, they could leave their patriarchy glasses behind and see you for what you really are.

  16. [...] laws, a few homeschool families simply kick their children out and never speak to them again. See Anne’s story.  I had a forum discussion about this recently, and a couple homeschoolers said we need a law that [...]

  17. [...] laws, a few homeschool families simply kick their children out and never speak to them again. See Anne’s letter from her father.  I had a forum discussion about this recently, and a couple homeschoolers said we need a law that [...]

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